In an earlier post I wrote about a close family member being sick, that he wasn't going to get better? He passed away on Monday. We were supposed to visit him that day, I didn't get to say goodbye. But, I realise after some thought, that he didn't really know anyone was there with him at the end, but he knew he was loved so dearly throughout his whole life. I made sure he knew I, at least, loved him. Do I wish he hadn't passed away, of course, but I'm glad he's not in pain anymore.
The only problem is, I've never experienced this sort of pain, and sadness. I want to drink, a lot. I want to not know my own name, I would kill to numb this pain right now, it creeps up on me in the most unexpected moments. I'm over reacting to things, angry when I should be mildly irritated and devastated with no coping mechanism when the slightest plan change occurs. I know it's grief, I've studied human psychology enough to know what I'm experiencing, but all that good ole ''book learning'' doesn't help when you're the applicable party experiencing it, I guess. I'm just doing my best.
I feel sick, to my stomach, all day and night. It's keeping me up at night, I don't know what it is. Anxiety? Maybe, sadness? I'm not sure.
My eating disorder is triggering, my one piece of control left in the world. I probably shouldn't have started Slimming world.
I've lost 8lbs this week through starving etc. It's stupid, I know it is. I'm fine, I just want to fit into my Harley Quin Costume comfortably!
I'm going to MCM comic Con as BatGirl, see below.
And Hero's and Villians as Harley.
I'm honestly SO excited, I can't wait! I just hope that I can walk for some of it.
I'll catch up with you guys later,