Sunday, April 23, 2017

Fun runs and death

Growing up is hard for a lot of reasons, but one of the most prominently terrifying things to me is that we don't age alone. Everyone we love and have ever had contact with us ages at generally the same rate. With seriously deep rooted fear of abandonment and previous relationships solidifying that further into me, I see death as abandonment. I know it isn't the dying person's fault, nor is it their intention, I've gotten pretty good at rationalising reasonable thoughts from the unreasonable. My Uncle's dying isn't all that of a surprise, he beat Cancer once a few years ago and he was doing great, the most upsetting part of this second round is that whats killing him can not be identified by medical tests and exploratory procedures. So he's just lying in a hospice bed, with no reason why, not that it really matters anymore. He's in pain, I want that to stop for him, I want him to be comfortable and if these few weeks are what he has left, I want them to be what he wants.

But how do you cope? They say death is easy for the one who is dying and hardest on those left behind, and I'm afraid. This is the first person from the seven of us to pass, my immediate family is small and we are close. I'm 25 years old and I have never been to a funeral, never really been closet o anyone who has died. My dad says it's ''all about Auntie and Uncle right now'' and I agree with that to a point, but life still goes on doesn't it? That's what they've always told me, I got divorced, the first time round and was half of a person sleeping on my parents couch unable to eat because it hurt my chest and got stuck... But life still went on. Call me callous maybe, but while my Uncle is laying in a hospice and my aunt is staying with him, people are rallying around her so at this difficult time she wants for nothing. But while my Uncle is laying in a hospice bed and my aunt is staying with him, I also have a pre-op assessment, surgery, recovery time, medication reviews, specialist appointments, I need to sort my wheelchair out. I don't mean to sound callous, I can't even begin to imagine what my Auntie is going through, loosing the man she loves, the man she's slept next to for 20 years. They've built and shared a life full of adventure, they've travelled the world; I can't imagine how that feels I've never had that person. But life still goes on while you're mourining, while you're loosing...doesn't it?

Makes me consider the Chronic Illness ''thing''. Most of my health problems wont kill me. They may make us wish we were dead but we probably wont actually bite the dust. But... when we first get sick our friends and family worry, they fuss and they rally around us, or at least mine did. Maybe I was lucky. But after a while no one even asks you how you're feeling, no one helps no one rallies. Isn't that kind of sad?

I'm going to try and talk about some positive things now, because I need to. I think you guys should focus on the positive too, any chance you get! I find my life so much easier when I focus on the positives.

I signed up and got accepted to be a representative fundraiser for EDSUK and I honestly couldn't be more excited. I've raised £40 pounds in just a few days and I know my family have yet to donate so, that'll certainly bring the total up. I'm thinking about doing a raffle and gathering bits and pieces for people to win! My aim is to raise £500 for wheeling 5k in a fun run. Jaxx and I will complete the fun run in late October at Crystal Palace, London, UK. 

I decided to join Slimming World to loose some weight, and I've also come up with a ''rewards'' system.

Current Weight: 233lbs
GW1: 223lbs - Septum Peircing
GW2: 203lbs - New make up palette up to £50
GW3: 193lbs - A new tattoo
GW4: 183lbs - A new sun dress
GW5: 173lbs - A new pair of irregular choice shoes

Maybe you could try something similar as a little motivation to reach your goals?

Until tomorrow, over and out,

No comments:

Post a Comment