Weight gain

I feel like weight gain for those of us who are chronically ill should just be plain banned. It just doesn't seem fair that after all we go through and are forced to over come, our weight can still sneak up on us; almost overnight it seems. Of course that's exactly what has happened to me, and exactly what has prompted this post.

I'm going to go with the over used but frankly, timeless that's it! I'm going on a diet. Why? Because I'm uncomfortable sitting down, I flow over, I bulge, I hate it. Hate it. The worst part to me is that it triggers my starvation brain.

But how can you be overweight and have an eating disorder?

Well dear friends, quite simply put, an eating disorder is a disorder of the mind with typically physical manifestations. However just because they're typical does not mean they happen the same in every case, if you've ever suffered from a medical problem you know just how hard those boxes can be to fit in, you may be a little from column A and a little from B. That's exactly what I am, and for that, they give us EDNOS. Standing for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, essentially a little from all the columns. You might be a starvation diet fan with purging tendencies but no binge eating. You might be a binge eater who doesn't purge but excersizes as your alternative to the ''typical'' vomiting purge we so often see immortalized in movies.

My eating disorder ... story I suppose, started when I was very young. Some might say I was born with it, when my feeding schedule was muddled up, I didn't want to be weaned and I came onto solid foods a lot later than the average child. From as young as I can remember people have always had to persuade me to eat. I still take some persuading, but as a child you eat your meals with your family, as a young adult and adult you often eat in privacy of your own company. I prefer it this way. I have to persuade myself to eat everything I do.

However the need for small meals, carefully prepared and controlled content, and eating rituals is rivaled by the fact that I do not live in an accomodating home. We live in a two story house with a kitchen that is hardly big enough for two people to stand. I can not stand for long enough to prepare a basic meal, and so I have to resort to take out and microwave meals, this is where my weight gain has come from.

I remember every mean thing anyone has ever said about my weight. It's the nature of the disorder, your comments trigger and fuel us. So be kind with yours words and be cautious with voicing your opinion; by all means you're entitled to have it, that doesn't mean it is a kind or tactful thing to say.

What about all those fizzy drinks you have??

On average I drink 2 x 500ml Rockstar energy drinks a day, that's 450-500 calories depending on whether it's Rockstar or Relentless. This is the only thing that keeps me going throughout the day and not succumbing to my crippling fatigue that most chronically ill patients experience. I will not give them up, I will work around them.

So whats the plan for your magical weight loss??

I'm going to be keeping daily tabs on where my calories are going for a week. From there I should have a fairly good idea of what is taking most of the calorie allowance, and where the majority of my fats are coming from; are they good fats or bad fats?

Obviously I want speedy safe weight loss, that's the name of most people's game is it not? I decided that since I want to do this the healthy way, I need people to keep me on track, but not because of calories or what I eat, but to keep me from starving myself; to keep me eating and accountable for that.

So, I'm going to make some promises to myself, not rules, just things I would like to maintain...

I promise I will not go under 1,000 calories a day. 
I promise that most of these calories will go to healthy choices; veggies, fruits, grains, good fats and carbs. 
I promise that I will not use laxatives. 
I promise that I will not focibly throw up. 
I promise to only weigh myself twice a week (Although it is conventional to weigh ones self once a week at the same time, on the same day, I can only compromise with my compulsions and hope to improve gradually) 
I promise to count and post my calories, and talk to a trusted friend or family member if I am feeling triggered. 

I will also try to :- 
Drink at least three glasses of juice/water/non carbonated drinks a day.

So here we go...

Starting weight (22.4.17): 233.6lbs
Goal weight 1 (end of may) : 230.lbs
Goal weight 2 (End of June): 200lbs
Goal weight 3 (End of July): 170lbs
Goal weight 4 (End of August): 150lbs
Ultimate goal weight (End of December at the latest) : 140lbs